| hmmph. |
[Jul. 23rd, 2009|01:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink- please don't leave me | ] |
The brain is a powerful thing, and we only use what only like 10% or less of it. I once heard that if humans used 100% of out brains then we would be able to move things. Physically move an item from one place to the other, I'm not quite sure how someone would figure this out but it doesn't surprise me that the brain could have such powers. The brain is made up of two divisions, the brain which is the control center for activating your body. Your brain send signals faster then the speed of light, somehow my body just "knows" what to do next. I talk easily and words flow out. Sometimes my thoughts are incomplete and it feels as if somewhere in my brain there is a blockage and then suddenly it;s cleared, other times not so easily. Your brain receives hundred of signals each second, from hearing, smelling, feeling, to seeing. Yet, it desifers what is more important over some things. Ever notice how you can be in the middle of a conversation, or even zoned out but at the drop of your name you're suddenly alert and looking for the source of it.
Then there is the second part of the brain, which, operates separately but has a significant effect on the other. It's the mind. The mind isn't a physical matter that can be picked up and probed. While I don't understand how the brain is allowing my fingers to type on this keyboard, I can understand that there is a brain. I've seen pictures and shown evidence. But the mind just is. You can't take out the mind and figure out how it navigates. The mind is who you are. The body makes up what you are. But the mind has a powerful effect toward how your brain reacts. The thoughts that go through your head can physically alter the functions your brain performs. I believe strongly in power of the mind. It creates my feelings touches on my senses. If I think it, it can easily become it. When I think about pain I'm always torn between what am I truly feeling and what is fabricated in my dysfunctional mind causing me to think I'm hurting when I really might not be. Take for instance my wisdom teeth. When I thought they were first coming in I had all these crazy thoughts running through my mind about what was going to happen if they came in. It'd cause over crowding, it's painful because it's breaking through the gums, it's going to cost money in the end.. akfj;sfjlkjd. All these neg. thoughts of what could happen and within hours I felt like I wanted to rip off my jaw. It felt that way for a week until I found a dentist. She reassured me my wisdom teeth would take time before I had to worry. That was all.. I had time and that was the cure to all my pain. They stopped hurting and I went on with life forgetting that little mishap happened. So was I creating my own torture or did I truly have some type of ache that just coicidentally went away soon after (my dentist said wisdom teeth move very slowly about a millimeter a month so I prob was feeling the pressure of them moving in just a tad)
I feel like my mind was working against brain. I do this a lot to myself. Obviously from the whole eating disorder. And this is where things get confusing. Try and keep up, but if you get lost it's okay because my own thoughts come so fast and so many that I can't really sort them out to sound understandable. I've come to the understand there is a glitche in my mind that is really fucking my up. I believe that traumatic experiences greatly impact and can alter your entire life, it's about understanding and controlling them that allows you to survive. So I've yet to figure out what exactly went wrong that sent me down this road. Yes, I can name several sad days in my life but I can't figure out what. I think I'm over my dad's death, I've moved on but then I just break down. I can go back to the moment on my bed and really relive it. It takes my breath away and I'm there. October 6, 2003. But, I know how much it hurts me to think about that moment so why do I want to even think about it. ((I just did it right now and my body is filled with horror)) I pitty myself but then I get pissed at myself for not being strong enough. People tell me I'm strong but I feel like I constantly struggle. I'm not what I want to be.
The brain is a very complicated matter. I try to understand so much of it and then just get overwhelmed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2009|10:08 pm] |
it's just a big empty hole left inside me. I do really good for the most part. It only lasts a couple minutes of pure insanity. I don't see things clearly. No matter how much I try I clog my mind with crazy thoughts and seem to fabricate lies that only hurt me more. I want to believe him so much but part of me wants him to fuck up just to say I told you so.
I'm battling a serious eating disorder that I have no control over. It's destroying everything in my life that makes me happy because every thought is absorbed with the feelings of fat. I either eat nothing or i binge eat to the point where my stomach feels like it might rips to shreds and then I head to the bathroom. It's a disgusting routine and the entire time I'm not even there. I'm on auto pilot as I watch myself self-destruct. If anyone would have asked me that first time I threw up that i'd be doing it two years last I would have thought they were insane. I would have told them I have total control over my action. Did I not remember the times I used to cut? how I couldn't control those times either. I get into this state of mind where my mind and body disassociate from themselves. I have an out of body experience and I tell myself no but my body pays no attention. I survived that though, and I am more then determined to overcome this. I'm just scared that the only way I can overcome this is by dying of it. I've gone through soo many cycles of being good then relapsing. So many times I thought I was over it and one little things happens, so minor I 'm not sure even about it at times but it triggers me. And I think it's only one time and then I really think about it and realize that one time has turned into two weeks. I've told my family and friends that I've been getting better. I lie not to them by this but to myself. I figure if I really believe I'm okay then I will be.
I want to look in the mirror and not hate myself. I want to be free of this monster soo bad. I want to be my old self. I have lost myself in this battle that nothing matters now. only this disease. But with it comes more destruction. I have been drinking just to escape feeling. I call it my liquid courage. I smoke to try and understand my feelings, but the repercvuttion of this is that I eat... I eat so much. I hurt myself soo much and I don't know why. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2009|01:58 am] |
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Things aren't good. How did I become my worst enemy. I'm in my room completely distraught and i canm't control it. I'm beginning to unravel in seems I didn't know were even there. Dear God I keep praying, Dear god take me away from this pain. When did it get so bad. When did it get to the point where I physically was losing it all. I hate myself for not being stronger. For being so vulnerable and for letting myself be so stupid. I feel so alone. I wish these emotions didn't come out when I was always drinking but the truth is I can't let myself feel them any other time. And ghe fact that they get magnatized doesn't help one bit. OH FUCK.. I wanted my house to be my one place that I could escape all this feeling. I know it was a fantasy but it made me feel like I was living a normal life. I feel so betrayed. I feel like my safe zone is gone and now I just on't know where to turn. How do I explain myself tonight. He's obviously going to ask me what the matter was. And I don't think I will tell him. i'm already considering moving. It sucks because this place was so good but.. but it's like I'm constantly on the move. All I want to do is just to die right this second. I don't know what I'm going to do when I see her. I want to scream but at the same time all I want to do is have her hold me because she is the closest perosn I have and I'm fucking it up so bad but I don't know how to not. I dn't know how to stop self destructing. it's a never ending cycle. I think the point at where it will all finally just end is when it will be too late. Each day I think I'm getting closer to that end too. The push is that much stronger. I try so hard.. to be strong, to be skinny, to be happy, to be there for everyone. I want to be perfect so bad. I want to be wanted. I want someone to want me as much as I've wanted others. I don't feel worth enough. I don't feel like anyone will understand me. I don't think they'll have the chance to even get that close to me before I shut them out completely. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2009|07:20 am] |
I'm not sure when I turned so naive to the world. I feel like all the mistakes I make these days are the result of me just being stupid. Not thinking things through entirely or just not seeing the bvious. I feel like I am making repeated mistakes too. Like with stupid stupid boys. I don't know why I get so wrapped up in them and then let them define who I am. They give me attention for just a few seconds and I"m swooped off my feet and wanting more. But, living with guys has taught me a few important things about their minds. In some ways they really aren't all douche bags who just want to hurt you, but they definitely do think more with their penis then any other part of their body. So then I think about what are my intentions when I meet a guy? Sometimes I really am just trying to have a good time. Am I not entitled to that? So I go in thinking I want nothing more to do with this guy after and then suddenly I'm freaking out when he doesn't call or text me back. EWWW how did I become this fuckin girl. I am so much better then this. I don't get lost to boys, boy get lost to me!
I think it's because of me. Something is the probem with me. So now I'm sitting in my room analyzing every part of me. and I mean EVERY part of me. Inside and out. Is it my hair, my pants look awkward, I AM FAT, I AM UGLY, I probably sleep funny, my voice.... etc. etc. And the list continues and each flaw is added to the long list that already exists. So here is my laest problem. I met this really great guy in Hawaii. Total gentleman we had a great like four days hanging out and I got the Island blues when I left. I had convinced myself this boy was something better then the others, I got lost in his spell and when I left that Island I thought I was going to make something out of this bried encounter. I just so badly want to find that person. I'm so sick of trying and finding a lot of wrong ones. So anyway for like a week we talk and text and say we miss each other. Then the day after his party we were texting and being all mushy gushy and we kept playing phone tag in between so then I go to call him later in the evening when I said I would and he said k and since then I'm heard nothing. Where did this boy go? I kept telling myself I was worried about him. pSH I'm sure I'm more worried it's just another dud. That should be fine. This kid lives 2000 miles away. there is a fuckin ocean between us. It was so impossible that I wanted to make is possible. Can my heart me a default? Maybe I am just not programmed like I"m supposed to be. So anyway, I'm wrecking my brain with these thoughts of failure and I need to stop. I am tearing myself down and it's not fair. He probably is fine and I am wasting precious moments of life. So this is what I want to do. I am going to talk to Genevieve about getting a hair cut. I am going to print the picture from Hawaii and give it to Michelle and Jonas and them. I am going to buy my school supplies and figure out how to print some of my things. I need to look up Ink right after this. Then I am going to look up homework. And if I complete this I will take my computer to Best Buy and then go and buy some shoes.
adkfjasdklfj. My mind is overly stimulated. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2008|10:14 pm] |
I don't understand the person I was before. I barely read over a cople journal post and it seems like that person was pretend. just a fasad in my brain. Strange how much a person can change yet still be the same. So I view myself anything like I was before.. fuck no. but so I think I am still that same girl.. yeah to some degree. I'm still Bianca. I can never lose that.
My hearts racing. I"m supposed to go on this trip with my brother but I"m scared of what could come from it. I want to tell him about my life but I don't think I'm ready. I don't thinkI will ever be. There has been a lot in my life that I am very ashamed of. Stuff I wouldn't even want to talk to myself about. Bu part of me wants to just be completely honest with him. I feel like he deserves it. He has been so honest and open with me and I owe it to him.
I don't have time to wait. Time to see how he is going to answer. I feel like i've been waiting all my life. I feel like there are parts of me that are still naive. These are things I will have to work on. But in the mean time I can't help but enjoy wher I am at. I feel like I might have been bragging to amanda but then when I think back and look at if I was realy truly happpy and I think I coudn't possibly have been.. she wasn't there. It's amazing I feel like we will be friends forever. i hope we will because she has been there since the beginning of when I really feel like I started to form into who I am today. Lots of bumpps along the way but she was always there. even if through observing she was there. |
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| amanda |
[Dec. 19th, 2008|01:33 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bedroom. | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
I'm not okay!!!!!!
Please see through my lies. I need your help, I can't do this alone anymore. I just don't know how much I can take before I finally give up.
Help. |
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| eating disorder |
[Dec. 18th, 2008|06:58 pm] |
so I have this thing called an eating disorder.
I'd say it's been around for about two years now. It began shortly after I stopped the drugs. But it began way before that. One day I just noticed I wasn't happy about my weight. It wasn't something I ver really thought about. Sure it crossed my mind but it never really bothered me. Suddenly though this thought of " I'm not skinny" came into my mind and it never left. IT was a small voice at first but through time and hardship it has grown into a full blown scream. I went down a really bad slipper slope. firs i tried to just ignore food but that became useless because I craved it so much more. So then I learned to crave into these things and have a release.. throwing up. IT was only once a day but then it spread like a wild fire and soon it was more then 5 or 6 times in a day. I would begin these binges mostly after I smoked and I would ingest everything in sight. Half the time I wasn't even hungry. I just ate because I needed to throw up. Just the act alone in my day became an addiction. I didn't realize how much I relied on it each day. People knew about it. WEll two people have known about it. Amanda and Allan. Allan was my roommate. WE let eat other fall head on into our desires and habits. we didn't stop each other. It was fun at first but then things got old. I grew up.. he didn't. Any way I would stop every once in a while but it was never anything worth noting. I always gave in. To this day I can't stop. I have tried to convince myself I can but I can't. I gave up throwing up for laxatives and the gym. though these are probably the safest.. the gym at least. I still am not cured. I have this issue of displacement. I just change from one thing to the next, I need to learn to deal. But when? When will I stop. When its too late. I've had times I thought I was going to die. Instances when I was praying to God to save me because iwasn't ready. And then suddenly I was okay. and what did I do.. I went and did the same fuckin shit. Like an ungrateful bitch. fuck. |
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| Diary Entry one |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|10:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jason Mraz | ] |
October 10, 2008. My birthday is in exactly 5 months. There is a lot I want to get in order before I turn 20.
my goals-
Pass all my Fall semester classes.
Have more then 1000 in my savings account and not touch.
Have a steady job throughout the week.
No Accidents
Go to gym 3 times a week
Pay off most of my credit cards.
No more throwing up.
five months to improve my life. starting now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|10:23 am] |
I don't know what's led me to writing here again. It has been so long since I've last even been on the site. Part of me just wants to erase all the past posts as a way to forget some of the memories i so horribly lived in the past. I'm sure they were more dramatized then they should have, maybe. I live in Carlsbad and attend college at CSUSM. I have three awesome roommates and my best friend lives down in SD so we see each other enough to miss each other in between. I miss Laura though. She's still back at home. She's coming to visit her sister this weekend so hopefully I'll see her. BLAAH I don't know out status. in the beginning she thought she was tooo old to hook up with someone my age, she's 23 I'm 19. But we've been talking to I guess we'll see. okay bye for now |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2007|06:46 pm] |
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I can't write. I just can't seem to get in touch with my thinking self. I feel like I lost a part of me. or changed... whatever it is I'm almost disappointed. I liked having that ability to feel my emotions and be able to understand why I felt it, or at least express what was going on. I can't say I'm holding in shit but it just doesn't seem like me to be some emotionless. Not that I really liked being hurt, it's just the risks that i took to feel that, or not always being certain but still doing it just because. I miss being so ambitious. I don't have the same perception of life as I once did. I've done somewhat of a 90 degree turn but also I just began to keep my business to myself. I don't know how I feel exactly at this moment. As usual I can't pinpoint the epicenter because as I try to think what is so bad in my life then thing begin to look worse and I get to depressed. Partly due to a comedown. I feel so artificial. I require some kind of addiction. whether it be sexually/ illegally/ or obsessivly. I don't think I'm a very reserved person. but then against I'm only used to the person I am around Allan and Manda. Sometimes things clash but for the most part I love them to death. Anytime I feel some way or think another, I tend to deny myself of whatever it may be. I look for alternative possibilites. I'm very insecure. I don't want to try and feel or understand why some things go wrong in life, or why this didn't happen. I ask a lot of questions but when I take a step back and really think about how I would react I realize that not knowing things sometimes is better than not not knowing things. It's like the old saying goes, what you don't know can't hurt you. no matter what suspense there's always that little bit of closure over just not knowing yes or no. It's a lapse in time. Yeah maybe the anxiety over bares the relief but once you know the results its real. so if you just keep everything in and never think about it then things will just get better. You'll get over it and life will be fine without having to actually live it. at least that's what I wish. I want to believe that it's possible that I won't be some fucked up confused adult. Making constant mistake but has the pitty from most because they think its just the effect of pain and unsolved wounds. At times having pitty is worse because people like you out of courtesy not a personal decision. Fake people suck. Last night at the st. cornelius reunion it was different then I had thought. one thing that I did have right was the uncomfortable tensions between the different clicks, so of course boys sat with the same friends, dorks, then the girls were smarts, popular, outcasts, shy ones. I envied the people who easily got along with everyone. I sometimes find it hard to even be in my own skin. I feel retarded, uneasy, all my self confidence hangs on a string and I just hate being me. How come I am the bitch, the one all the girls love to hate. you just have that personality that people don't blend with. the boys always did. I like the attention but also I could be more myself trying to be cute then i was kissing ass to the bitches who would be such a damper in my past. It's been four years and I felt the same awkward stares, whispers, and just aura. I am thankful for the times I can relax and just not care. My best friend bring that out in me. I brush off the bad and even though i may seem like i get in bad moods, my life overalll is actually looking positive. I have something to look forward to when I go to bed. In the past three months I have cried probably 3 real good cries. they were all around the sae time over the same subject. Time flies and i just adapted so well to living. I haven't felt such a strong relationship with a person that their happiness seems more important than your own. I always felt I was a good person for wanting to spoil others and make them happy. I remember so many were done out of pure desperation for acception. It actually really hurts. I am sorry for myself, because the embarressment that I must look like. When I look in the mirror I am somehow always let down. Blemish here or messed up there. I can feel like the prettiest girl in the room sometimes, but its like I transform into the crack head beast. peoples eyes can burn holes into my body and it just seems now that my blood just boils and i lose my temper. I'm a walking billboard for problems. The girl who lived the double life. one was the good student and resposible worker, the next a mystrious trouble maker that took advantage of one more day to live. We say how much we value life, and that we try to extend it as many years possible. We wait for soo long to just grow up and be in the next stage of our life. then one day we decide we don't want to be older. we want to relive or redo parts of our lives. Knowing life is inevitable to end in death doesn't seem enough to fuel people's appreciation or at least gratitude. I am part of this group yet I've had so many devestating things happen in my life that continue to slowly strangle my heart. I accept the fact that I know they happened and I can't take back the past but I don't really accept them as being okay or at least content with the result. This is all a part of life though, life is so complex that the questions outdue the answers by fartoo many. for as intelligent as the human race the brain, or possibly even the soul can't comprehend with the turth. How can someone you love be there in your life with the opprotunity to see the or communicate quite easily, then suddenly not being able to remember their voice or routines that ruled their daily lives. Every moring my dad had an over-easy very yoki egg with salt and pepper and a cup of coffee. He had two passions. Technology and the ocean. As human made technology tends to be their is still question into how exactly this put in the right place makes another thing go. Cyber space is endless and huge. Then the ocean is unexplored land, places humans will never see, at least not in this year. science is getting closer i'm sure lol. his hobbies are some of the most fascinating things in life. I don't talk aboout him that much. A lot of my childhood memories involve fights but they still were the best lived moments. An overbearing strain chokes my chest sometimes. I hate the world and don't understnad why me, why him, why is life so cruel. The bonds of family are powerful. I died with my dad that day, life had treated my badly but this had crossed the line. It's not fair that people can go and preach about this wonderful God they believe in who protets and loves them unconditionally but somehow felt that letting the race to self distruct and cause disease, murder, restriction, but most of all let us feel such horrific emotions. I don't see how that is an act of love. This God they speak of is too great a God to allow this to ever happen,therefore he must not be real, or not how they explain him. I believe that someone is respinsible for a huge thank you for allowing me the chance to live. we create our own destiny, we only have ourselves to point out and blame. He doesn't require anything of us though. He is unselfish and forever loving. a modest man that wouldn't punish someone because they didnt worship him or thank him. there was no hell, it was what our minds invisioned. but there would be no evil or bad in this "heaven". for the god I pray to is perfect. maybe I'm wrong but its not that i'm saying there isn't a God, or Buddah. I'd just like to believe that no creature or soul would ever let a person endure such pain while living, let alone dying. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 24th, 2007|11:32 pm] |
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I am forcing myself to feel the memories. The ones I've been trying so hard to avoid remembering. Music makes me feel the strongest feelings. I don't care if it hurts. I need to stop running away. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2007|08:57 pm] |
I submitted my intent to in roll at San Marcos. I'd been going back and forth on where I want to go but I just had to push it. I had to push myself. I need this change in my life, it's worth it. Maybe it'll help but maybe it wont, either way I need new. I'm a little scared but I am prepared for this.. I am going to make myself. I am slowly committing suicide. I'm going to the tanning salon, mmy doctor warned me I had to stop because i'm on my way to getting cancer in my moles, but I don't life that much so I decided I can look good now while shortening my life.
I got a check in the mail today for 1394. it's the social security check my mom used to receive, a bit more though. But now it's in my name and she doesn't have any control over it. She makes me hate that I turned 18. I feel so guilty that I took it from here but it's not my fault and I know I shouldn't. and so I am mad at her for making me feel this way. she makes me feel like i'm just a check to her. But now that I took it from her I'm the scum of the world. I hate it.. I hate her.. I hate being 18. I just want to die.. I hate that I feel such pain over these things. It's like she takes away my happiness.. I don't want to be mad at her but how can I not.. how can she do this to me.. She goes to england next week and I don't think she has a lot of money. I know she wants money and I know i'll be guiled into giving her some. I just want to be free. i don't want this money I want my dad back. I don't care if I'm dirt poor i'd rather have him here.. where he belongs. No one knows what it feel like.. no one deserves to know what it feels like.. not at this age. not when you really don't understand. what is death?.. it's not something to be taken lightly I found out.
I went to an anti war protest on Saturday and it was truly eye opening. I almost began to cry as I watched these people who had such deep feeling toward this cause. How they expressed themselves and were brave enough to let it out. We live in a country where we don't have to fear that. We have so many freedoms we take for granted and so many opportunities that we waste. I want to make it clear that I love America, i am grateful to have been born here and chosen to live my life the way I wanted to. I am grateful that I have an army that protects me and protects my rights. But I don't appreciate what the government is doing right now in the war. I don't feel war is ever the answer. We're taught in school that fighting doesn't solve anything, words do. It's almost branded in our head and yet the president has seemed to forgotten this moral. I know that the middle east is going through a civil war and from what we say our intentions all seem good.. they just don't seem to be working. I don't think we have the right to force democracy upon them. I know it works here for us and we feel it's the ideal type of gov. but right now that shouldn't be our focus. Hundreds of innocent people go missing or are killed from suicide bombers, from their own people. I can't say why they are doing this, but I know our presence isn't helping. It's our nature to want to help, and it's a great nature but our innocent men and woman are out there and dying for reasons we aren't even sure are there. It's not our battle and yet we involve ourselves and are making trouble for ourself. His job is to protect us and yet many countries are against American now. Our closets allies aren't supporting our actions, and without them then what? what happens if we become threatened how do we protect ourselves. The middle east def. won't be coming our way to lend a hand. We are blessed to live how we do and we need to protect that because right now we are patronizing it. WE need to break the barriers of trying to be number one in this land. It's man alone that will kill himself. WE can have a heart full of love and an ounce of it be greed and it'll over barrel that love in an instant. WE need to come together as one and work together but we are just making ourselves look inferior. We are crowding over them, and it's only making things worse. We can't force service men to fight a war if they don't agree with it. They signed up to protect a nation they believed in, but yet when they fail to have this strength in our country we tell them it doesn't matter and make matters worse by forcing them off into war. I wish it was this obvious to the leaders, I wish they possessed the will to help. But the fact is they're are many misled leaders, who's minds have been corrupted and don't have an ounce of sympathy. I pray for the protection of the people over the ending of this war. I realize it's pres. bush who needs to realize that and so far nothing is getting through, so now i pray for the men and woman who are put in danger. I went to the protect to protect the right of humanity. for the right to live a life that god gave you, I pray for the protection of freedoms of all people from the USA to China to the middle east to Africa. I pray that the suicide bombers have a heart- change that they realize what they are doing is onyl making it worse. There is just so much pain in this world.. so much pain in my heart.. so much pain everything.I can't seem to get away. But i'm trying really hard to just get through the day... not holding back.. always having in mind there is always a tomorrow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2007|08:24 pm] |
He took my breath away. Like a fish out of water I gasp for air
He branded my soul, an unforgettable remind of my vicious past
He injected me with his poison, addicting me to his pain
He leached onto my weakness, sucking my dry
He plagued me with disease, I'm leave avoided by many, pitied by all
He's the lesions of my leprosy, my own flesh feeding off itself
He lacerated the bonds with those I treasured most, rigged edges preventing reassembling
He stranded me, a lost child I fight to find my way
He plucked my strings, the tune of my life suppressed by his control
He spoiled the value of life I possessed, like the red sock caught in the mix of white
Now I sit here unsure which path to take
There's a fork in the road, but the signs are gone
For all that's set before me just doesn't make sense
I hide the truth and speak only lies
at times forgetting the real from the fake
He's the plane that hit the towers, the hurricane that tore through the town
coming unannounced, unprepared
destroying all that laid in it's way
He had me once, twice, and even a third
how can i be sure it won't happen again.
I can't rewind, or even erase
I need to learn to forgive and forget
to look the devil in the eyes and not be scared at my punishment |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|08:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Spill Canvas | ] |
I try to tell myself that I don't care and that I'm not sad and most of the time I'm able to avoid the memories. I used to think it was because I didn't think they had the right to effect me this way. I didn't want them to have that control over me.. not after what had happened. But then the smallest reminder puts the trigger and everything I've oppressed comes streaming out. It's a bottomless empty feeling I get deep in my chest. It's so strong that I can physically feel the pain. But when I try to think about it, it just becomes way to much. I don't think I have the strength to really accept it. I know things have changed, there's no denying the obvious, I just don't want to think that life would be so cruel and take something that important away from me. Not after everything I've already lost over the years. It just destroys me because I've never missed something this much. Been so effected by something that I can't even really think about it. I hate myself I hate myself. I just miss her soo much. I miss our adventures, I miss the random walks that we took everywhere. Sometimes we didn't know where we would end up, but who cares life was fullof the unexpected and we thrived on that. I miss the calls... I miss having someone to confide in. I miss the comfortablness.. the comfortable silences.. our scams that got us into trouble... I miss my best friend. I don't know what to do a lot now because I don't know how to live without her.. at least not the life I want to. I feel soo hollow and empty not having her by my side. I miss caring about someone so much that you shared the same emotions. I miss the feeling of wanting to solve every problem or do whatever it took just to make her happy.. putting her first because I loved her more than family .. i miss ashley so much. |
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| secret |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|10:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | damien rice | ] |
In less than a year I will be beginning a brand new chapter in my life. At first i was excited and anxious for graduation to arrive so i could just leave all my baggage and issues with me in my past years and begin with a fresh slate. I was so sure that moving and going to college would solve everything for me. As my senior year progressed this life I was trying to hard to leave behind left me before I had a chance. See I really fucked up over summer. I turned my life toward drugs and lost who I really was through the battle. I went back to someone I really wasn't happy with just more comfortable. I went to a life I hated and really have no reason as to why. I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never thought that i'd Lose control of what I chose. It was as if i was trapped in a body and I watched myself do things that I didn't want to do. It's like I kept looking at the fire knowing if I touched the flame i would undoubtably get burned, but curiousity killed the cat. See I never really understood why it was so bad to depend on another person in your life. Why do I have to learn to be my own person by myself.. what if i don't ever want to be alone not because I'm not secure with who I am or because I have some un resolved issues with myself but because I just don't like being by myself. Yeah i love my alone time and being able to regenerate, but that doesn't mean I don't like having someone or something there to care for to love.. and to love me back.
I realized today that I question everything about life. I don't understand why things happen. literally and philisophically. I just don't see how things start what gives them that sure. there are those little things that don't bother me much like how the heck does electricity work? or why does dough rise? I'm simply curious and realize it has its perks and negativity. I question things that I already have an opinion on, but yet am not satisfied. Morally I understand why people bury their loved ones but practically it's almost insane. Spending thousands on a casket that took so much time and effort to make and yet has a short lived fame before it's emerced in dirt and forgotten. It just seems to useless but I know it's not. here I am having some split view on something that is so senseless. So when it comes to bigger more important parts of my life things get really difficult for me to take a side to. I love him yes I do but I hate the person I am around him. I feel as if I am a powerless human being but without him I couldn't survive. The fact is I know I can survive and I am surviving but I just don't have the balls to voice it. I constantly tell myself to do something but then not necessarily convince but force myself to contract. It's once again the battle with myself. I hate how I know people look at me and think pittiful thoughts. If i know I don't want in it then why not leave.. that simple. Everyone had it so simple. I was glad the first time we got back together I felt lucky one more chane to make it work. sure then we broke up again ... and again.. ang agin.. and soon what I once thought was luck now turned into a terrible curse. i'm scared out of my mind on why I can't move on with my life. I gave up so much for nothing. It's like I was subcoonciously was trying to destroy any self esteem I had. It was easier to make excuses and run from the truth.
I also realized how emotion-less I have become. yeah I'm still pretty dramatic and have very loud and different moods but it's always in the heat of the battle. I learned how to supress how I felt because I felt like I won if i just didn't feel anything. I don't know why I thought that because it's a pretty known thing that at some point those feelings tend to release themselves in a more dangerous and harsh way. The time I spent with my best friend over the past few years has been the best gift god could have given me. There was no denying this, and even though it sucked so bad when things got really messed up I sought comfort in knowing I had had the best experiences in my life. She brought something out of me that I didn't do with others. It was the strongest connection and the best time of my life. I trusted her with my life and felt that there was no possible way we'd ever be where we are at today. I can't recall any real fights we had. It was like we were to puzzle pieces that fit perfect. We made plans to have our lives together, I hate hot//dry weather but when the idea came to go to ASU with lows at 80 and highs at temps I didn't think we possible. This place would be miserable to me.. only if i didn't have her there though. I never told her about the objections I had to going because non of it mattered when it came to just thinking whatever we'll have each other. I would think about how dreadful I would be in all that heat and sweating and eeww but I was willing to endure and suck it up. My brother kept telling me to base on where I wanted to go on how I felt and not let the opinions of others influence me. She was my best friend and we stuck together end of story. It was just how things were and I liked it that way. I loved it that way. i don't know why things happened the way they did.. and I don't know why I didn't try harder to prevent it. I, at one point, left a guy that was wonderful to me... but he came between us two and I would do nothing to jeprodize our friendship like that. That's why I can't understand why instead I let things go to ruins over someone that made me feel worthless and instead of seeking comfort in someone I knew would make me feel better I chose something that would make it worse. I hate myself for being such a spinless human. I can spreak so critcally about others making stupid decisions when all that I accomplished was me being not a spinless hypocritical bitch. It's like we were such best friends that that's alll we knew how to be to each other.. i didn't know how to respond and be mad at her but then resolve it. I chickened out and ignored it thinking it'd just be okay.
i look at where I was last year in my life and am disappointed knowing i'm worse off. I know i have a lot to work on i just don't have anyone there anymore to hold my hand and encourage me like i once knew. I put off a lot of reaction to things that have happened to me. I didn't cry the day my friendship broke up. I lied to myself and said it didn't hurt me, that I was some type of invinsible person that could just brush my shoulders off. I lied and told myself I was happpy with someone I didn't really want to be with, I don't know if I feel it's because I'm not worthy.. or if it's because I don't want to hurt him.. or just a little of both. I keep trying to act like I am okay because I'm not really sure how to let it out. sure I can cry and throw a tantrum.. but within hours I'll have moved on forgetting why I was so sad. I've been told it's my fault for a lot that's happened in my life and I want to learn how I can take responsibility. I want to know how to go for what I want and fight for the things I love. I lost a lot of loved ones in my life. I'm prety much on my own and I'm just so sick of it. I wish I had the family that was close and was social with everyone. But I don't and I won't have the family I want to bad. There is no changing my situation just adusting and maintaining.
Knowing that I can't turn back the clock and aviod what is bound to happen I can just try and mend and fix. I am sorry to my best friend who I let down on my part by not being there for you like I told you I would be. I know that I made wrong mistakes and I'm sorry if I hurt you. The biggest regret in my life was chancing our friendship. I don't know if we can go back to how things were but I want to give it that effort. It just is soo precious to just somehow forget it was even there. There hasn't been a day that I didn't get reminded of all the classic times we spent together. theft... stranded... risk... disaster... adrenaline... and most imporantly accomplishment. You are the most amazing person that I have ever met. Independent, creative, beautiful, and inspiring. You'll always be my cracker.
As for my moving on part I feel I have gained some strength, I hope that by somehow writing this that I'll have taught myself a little something about me that I really didn't know. I need to somehow face my inner demons that I can't hide. I'm either going to suffer now and then get over it for a while. but only time will tell before things lose all control. I hate to say that I depend on antidepressants to put me in good spirits.. but for now that's what needs to be done. It makes the burden a little easier.. but I know i'm just cheating myself. The only person who has anything on the line is me. I have totally control over the sitauion to how I want this to turn out. I didn't realize it was so hard to be happy. Some people won't understand how I feel and this will mean nothing. But I'm not trying to recieve support or even reassurane. I needed to get this out. It's what I think about everyday and my brain is on overload. |
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| Guardian Angel |
[Jan. 14th, 2007|10:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The red-jumpsuit Apparatus. | ] |
I'm not sure what I was thinking when I made the promise. I was desperate for him to love me though. I'd never really known what it was like to see him resist being with me until a few months. It's a strange feeling because it wasn't like I really wanted him to like me because I was doing fine on my own. But just something made me need him to like me. And when he likes me then things get really complicated. I care a lot for him I really do. I love him with my heart as well but I'm only seventeen and I don't know exactly how to treat someone elses's heart. It's the fact that I know I built it up to make him feel safe. I hurt him so much that this was almost like my way of saying sorry. I wanted to mak sure he had everything.. has everything. I put my life at a stop for the sake of his. I ignored the hitting, the drugs, the lies, the hurt. I just brush it off and i shouldn't. I know I shouldn't but then why do i. And then I fuck it all up and hurt him more then I ever wanted to becuse I can't control myself. Guys hypnotize me and somehow take over my will power. I feel the need to please them.. I care so much about how they view me. But whyy.. isn't it worse for them to just think I'm nothing and can be tossed around. I just want to get away but i don't know how. I need to figure it out I'm just not sure how but I have to find out. It's been to long I can't do this. I know I can't. FUCK it's like i battle my own thoughts. I hate not being able to just know what I want. Not even just once in my lifee can I figure out the difference between what I want from what I truly need. I asked someone if they thought your mind controls your heart or if they thought your heart controlled your mind. I honestly believed I knew the answer.. your heart controls your mind. You don't really make decisions you just somehow figure out the answer through way of thinking and experience. I just don't see how my mind couldn't be able to control my heart you know. why on earth would I even intentionally want this for me. And as I talked with them I realized yeah my heart controls my mind a lot. My emotions are crazy because I express them by how I feel inside and I don't really think about them. But my friend.. well he felt his mind controlled his heart and it made sense. He didnt depend on a girl or have any of the same issues as I did. I guess everyone is different. I hate being so passionate about everything in my life. I act like the sky is falling over the smallest of things. But when i think about the real good times.. like sitting on the life guard stand with Richard and it was just perfect. I felt such just happiness that when I think about my times with him I skip past all the ass-hole times he blew me off or just straight ignored me.. and I go straight to that feeling I had with him that day ont he beach. And as much as it hurts cause I want to be in that moment I'm glad I can actually relive it. My feelings are so intense that it pays off when I love life. However, life isn't always a sunshine day and I gotta live with the bad if I want the good right? I need to get away to college. It'd only make sense... I'd have no choice to meet new people.. start new.. begin a path that I can truly think about and go down. However he has my heart and I don't know what I'll do without it. maybe i'm dumb and naive.. but I always figure there is that small chance maybe it's just right. Maybe all this shitty stuff that's happened between us will all be worth it because he'll change and get better. I hate seeing two sides of the story but knowing I'll only follow down one.. the same one I've been going down my whole life. I pray to God that he just is by my side. I don't need him to direct me but just to be there if/when I fall. Love is a complicated bitch. that's one life lesson I go down to the teeee |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|01:20 am] |
I'm at the crossroads in my life.
this time I'm going to explor my options
no more holding back and bitching out
it's experience that leads me through life.
I think I'm ready to take the leap.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2006|04:12 pm] |
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My heart aches really bad. See I think about my house and I get this really bad empty feeling. it's right below my heart and i almost curl when i think about how much i hate it there . it's a reminder o what I don't havbe.. or what I feel like I don't have. I've come to conclusions that I could never run away.. no one would notice.. not right away. I mean life is just sorta set this way. Everyone is soo obsorbed in their own life.. how could i expect them to notice little ol me. I make my own bed.. It's time I lie in it. See I have this tendency to push people away because it scares me t have them close. I don't know how to react. It sounds weird but it's the truth. I got used to hiding from the world. I hide my feeling, thoughts, and even life from practialy everyone. I wish i could open up. I wish it'd be okay for me to be in my room and not pace because i just don't know what to do with myself. I scare myself. I get these thoughts.. i can't stop them. and it's like I'/m fighting against myself.. and it's so tiring because i'm fighting from both ends. What do I want in life?.. do I want to be with someone.. well i thought i didn't then i met brennen and suddenly i wanted it but then i got old of it and then i didnt want it.. and now i'm here back to stone one. It's a repeating pattern in my life that even i know what the outcome will be.. but why don't i stop it... truthfully i ask myself that everyday. Why do I hurt myself.. why do I like the feeling of pain.. how can any sane person feel like this. does that mean i'm insane.. what could drive me to this brink. I've been labeled.. named.. and compared to everything.. but what do i do to prevent it.. nothing. Does anyone else batle with themsevles this much?.. or is it just me. Why is it so hard for me to know what I want in life.. i want what i can't have. like a spoiled brat.. i want to break the chain.. but I don't know how. It's just soo hard. I'm so confused. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|10:00 am] |
I know it's a mistake. But I'm willing to take it.
Addiction.emotion.confrontation.heartbreak.
nothing would be complete without the summer love...
followed by heartbreak |
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| paper cuts//cheating lovers |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|08:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | speeding cars | ] |
I guess throughout life we lose track of what we are looking for. somewhere along the way we get distracted and think everything is going smooth and then one morning you wake up and your mom is engaged, your dad died, your best friends have all left you behind, everything has gone their own way and all you can think about is how did this happen? The movie click was an inspiration//heartbreakier//&&truth. it made me realize that i wasted a lot of my life not putting my family first. Even after my dad died i pushed myself away even farther. It wasn't until yesterday that truly made me open my eyes. I've been reconnecting with my brothers//sisters//mom these past couple weeks. After I got my job, west marriinne, I started to focus on shaping my life for the better. Anyway my mom found my bud and the disappointment and pain I saw in not just her eyes but whole heart and body made me break down. I wasn't just living my life for myself there were others in it who were impacted it. I've hidden for soo many years behind false influences.. like boys//drugs//fake friends. I've never really confronted life on my own. not with the help of my family. I gave up my pipe to my mom to gain her trust. my goal is to stop.. or cut down a lot. My mind is completely bazzark when i smoke. I guess it'll just be hard since this was my lifestyle for the past 8 months and all my friends do it && now i'm the of ball out. I feel I won't necessarily be pressured by them just the feeling of being left out. It's hard what a large part of my life was smoking. I never admitt I'm a stoner.. that's just some shitty name that i think of dumb ass people who are permanetly retarded.. well from smoking that is.I'm starting to hold responsibility in my life such as taking care of my two dogs, i bought MY own health insurance, and I'm focusing on my school this summer. I've been looking at numerous colleges to keep my options open. I'm scared that I'm almost abnout to be unleacshed into the world, i want to have some experience under my belt so I don't freak. There is this boy from my work, his name is brennen. at first the whole idea to hook up with him was for the excitment of having a fling at work. I found out so much about him the first time we hung out. we just talked for hours and asked each other questions about our lives. He wanted to know about me and who i was before we embarked in anything further. .. I've never really had a guy do that. WE hoooked up and went our ways. Work wasn't awkward at all either it was normal. Last night he asked me to go see the movie with him,.. as in a real date not just hooking up. My mom told me to never date a guy unless he will open the door for you.. well he did. and the whole time in the movie theatre he justheld my hand and i laid on him.. it felt so warm. after we fooled around... what do you expect but it wasn't just that we fucked or something like that.. it was just different. not like i realized i loved him or that he was the one or anything I guess it's just been a while since i've had someone attempt to care for me. We talked and he asked if I was "hooking" up with anyone else and I denied it sayng how difficult it was for me to even find interest in boys. I guess I just am really picky. He told me it was the same for him, that he saw girls when he first met them as more then they were and then he'd find out they were i guess less then expectations. Then he said something that I latched on to... I asked if he thought I was like that and he said "not at all.... i like you :)" and i was hooked. he leaves at the end of the summer back for school. I could totally just keep this platonic and have fun but we all know that when he leaves back for school it's already going to be hard enough to lose him as a friend, my heart is already hurting thinkign about that, but if he were to be something more it could break me apart, but i'm willing to take that chance if it means having a great summer while it lasts |
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